The older Bond films have always been a kitschy bit of business, with the hilarious gadgets, the ridiculous Bond girl names (Honey Rider, Pussy Galore, Holly Goodhead), the even more ridiculous Bond girl acting, and the misogynistic ass-patting humor. From this kitschy vintage Bond oeuvre, I’ve always preferred the Connery Bond (except Never Say Never Again, the 1983 Thunderball remake misfire starring a young Kim Basinger).

The Roger Moore Bond has eluded my interest. Moore was certainly debonaire, suave and always winkin’ at us, but he wasn’t hot, like Connery. Also, Connery was someone you wanted to be. Moore was rather someone you just wanted to observe, sort of. But last night, I was in the mood to revisit what I’d been avoiding for so long.

I hadn’t seen a Moore Bond in some years. I think the last one I saw was A View To A Kill in 1985, Moore’s last in the series, starring Christopher Walken and Grace Jones. On Apple TV, most of the Bond canon is available to rent in standard definition or HD. I decided to rent Moonraker in HD, since I hadn’t seen it since it was in the theaters back in 1979. I can sum up the experience in one word: ridonkulous.

The wheels had come off the Bond franchise by this point. The world domination plot was dumb. The faux dominatrix girls were dumber. There was absolutely nothing to take seriously in this movie. The re-experience of Moonraker was an all-out, over-the-top, totally boob-o-licious comedy, with Bond babe scenery chewing that made the Austin Powers trilogy seem subdued. (Though I do have to give credit to Michael Lonsdale for a cool and nuanced performance as the villain, Hugo Drax.) Words completely fail me as I try to come up with a way to describe what this film asks us to take seriously. Several times throughout the film, I found myself giggling to myself ‘you’ve got to be effing kidding me.’

As a huge fan of the Bond idea, starting with Dr. No in 1962 and ending with Connery’s last in 1971, Diamonds Are Forever, I was blown away by Casino Royale in 2006. Though critics didn’t like its follow-up, Quantum of Solace, I thought it was rough, sexy, raw and even smarter than Casino Royale, giving Bond some very heavy weight to carry. Daniel Craig and the team behind him have taken it to a whole new level, giving Bond a tough visceral urgency akin to the Bourne series. For the first time as a decades-long Bond fan, I almost have sympathy for the character and what he goes through as a man. And Judi Dench? I always loved Bernard Lee as the original M. and his dismissive treatment of 007, but Dame Judi gives M. a whole new shade, getting better with each turn.

All that said… I’m sticking with Connery and Craig so far.  The rest?  Not so much.

I’m anxious to see what Bond #23 will bring us in 2011…